***Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent***
This weekend, I carefully applied my make-up, did my hair, and selected a cute outfit. It was my second eHarmony date planned since arriving in Chicago and I was super excited to meet someone new and check out a fun place in the city. I took the Metra in (I don’t move to the city for another 3 weeks), grabbed a cab, and stepped out to see my date standing in front of the bar, right on time, looking much cuter in person than his pictures. We’ll call him….Freddy.
Freddy put our name down for a table and walked me over to the bar to get a drink. He was a perfect gentleman, helping me take off my coat, and handing me the drink menu first to look over, first.
But then he started talking.
Within five minutes I learned the value of the condo he could have bought at Trump Towers. A short-sale for a little less than $500,000, it was still affordable to him – even with the $1,000 monthly condo association fees. I briefly wondered what he would think about the value of my former condo in Sun Prairie…and how he could have bought close to five of them at that rate….
Not wanting to talk money on a first date, I changed the subject to work locations. Turns out both our jobs are just off Michigan Avenue. He knew right where mine was, mentioning it was very close to the new Burberry store. I remarked that I had been there once but it was a little intimidating. Freddy then told me he did a lot of shopping there.
I immediately felt a tiny bit self-conscious of the Target Merona brand scarf I had with me…
Realizing I was out of my league in the knowledge of designer labels, I changed the subject to Chicago neighborhoods. Freddy talked about looking for a condo in the Wicker Park / Bucktown area at one point. I happen to love that area! But – and he actually made a sweeping gesture from his head to his toes to indicate he was referencing his clothes – he didn’t think he’d fit in there. Those Wicker Park / Bucktown area folks just wouldn’t know what he was wearing.
All I could think was “I don’t know what labels you are wearing…are you sure you want to be out with me?”
Our table was finally ready and at this point I was just hoping he was super nervous and maybe he’d relax and I could get to know him. So we sat down. And the conversation turned to How I Met Your Mother, one of my favorite shows.
“My groups of friends and I, well we love that show. We all fit a role of one of the characters.” Said Freddy, rather proudly.
“Oh,” I said “so, are you the most like Ted?” It was an easy assumption. I mean, he seemed sweet (on his profile), and he was on eHarmony for crying out loud. Why wouldn’t I think he was the one on a quest for love?
“Oh no! I’m like Barney!” Freddy’s exclamation kind of threw me off. “Have you ever seen ‘The Perfect Week’ episode?”
I wasn’t quite sure where he was going with this. “Yeah, you mean the one where Barney sleeps with a different girl each night of the week, seven days in a row?”
“Yes! That’s the one! That was the first episode I saw and I was hooked right away. I’ve had a perfect week before, too!”
Oh. My. God.
File under: The things you just don’t brag about on a first date.
If that wasn’t bad enough, you guys, he actually followed it up with “Practice makes perfect!”
Over the next half hour, most of his sentences started with “I probably should not share this on a first date, but…” I learned Freddy lives across the street from one ex girlfriend and keeps in touch with all exes. Well, except the two different girls he had once been engaged to. He boasted he was a “tell it like it is” guy and always straight forward and blunt. And he was very impressed that I didn’t recoil when he told his Perfect Week Story. Turns out most girls react to that declaration quite negatively.
“Damn, my poker face is getting pretty good.” Were my first thoughts, followed quickly by “if all girls are repulsed by that story, wouldn’t you think to stop telling it?!”
And so, I went on my way back to the train station. Not without Freddy first trying to get me back to his place to watch How I Met Your Mother Episodes. I politely told him I didn’t want to end up a Dateline special, or inspire another plot for Law & Order SVU, and got into a cab.
And the next day when he reached out, I told him I didn’t think we were a good dating match and politely wished him the best of luck.
Freddy can take his perfect week.
I’m still holding out for the perfect date.