Well you guys, here we are again.
Let’s all collectively start singing Whitesnake’s “Here I go Again on my Own” in our heads (like I am right now). Actually, no WAIT! I like Queen’s “Somebody to Love” a little better. Cue it up, kids.
“Can….anyyyy bodyyyyyyy…..fiiiiind meeeee……”
Anyways. No I don’t want to talk about it and, honestly, no I’m not really ready to start dating again just…quite…yet.
We all know that inevitable moment is bound to occur. That moment when I take a deep breath and stop turning down dates with the excuse that I need to stay in to do my taxes (so, is that like the modern-day equivalent of saying I have to stay in to wash my hair?) (also, pro tip: If a girl turns down a date to do her taxes she’s probably not interested and you should stop trying) and put myself back out there.
I’m talking about online dating again.
I’m talking about match.com and eHarmony and one word emails and “stages of communication” and “winks” and “nudges” and planning to meet in a well-lit area so I don’t get murdered, and potentially awkward fist kisses. When I’m ready. When I’m ready to hopefully not awkwardly make out with non-murderous men in Chicago. In well-lit areas.
Which means I eventually need an updated online dating profile.
The resume of the online dating world, if you will. And, just like when you start looking for that dream job (which I’m currently at, by the way), you update your resume. Dust it off. Ask for advice from others to make sure it “reads” correctly. And then, when it’s just right, you put it out there to grab someone’s attention in hopes of a mutual match.
So I figured “hey, why not update the online dating
resume profile now, so when I want to get back out there, it’s just a simple click of a button to unhide it?” because that sounds like a great idea.
Until you’re drinking wine staring at a computer screen logged into match.com realizing you have to come up with a fucking screen name. Some witty one-word identifier to convey who you are so that someone clicks on your profile to read more instead of keeping on scrolling on. As if this whole process wasn’t bad enough, you have to find a way to market yourself so you don’t come across as yesterday’s left-over day-old pastry on sale at the shoddy bakery down the street.
“But Nixie,” I can hear you thinking, “who really cares about the screen name? I mean, should you really put this much pressure on something that doesn’t even matter that much? Shouldn’t the guy care more about you and not some stupid picked out name?” To which I say you have clearly never done online dating, scored through an insane amount of profiles, and started judging them based on this fact alone.
So I’m taking you down my very own Nixie Path To Hell. Let’s judge together, shall we, pumpkins? Here is a list of actual screen names found in the Chicago area, after typing in a legitimate search, altered slightly so I’m not 100% being a total jerk:
enjoysstuff (his profile pretty much said he likes doing things. Yup, things. And stuff. Very compelling, this one) (Seriously, I’m going to hell)
WooooooooChicago (ZOMG Wooooooooo! Yaysies!)
ChiGuy1, ChiGuy2, ChiGuy3…..ChiGuyINFINITY SERIOUSLY COME UP WITH SOMETHING MORE UNIQUE ALREADY
Its_A_Sweater (and yes, in case you were wondering, he is very. very. very. hairy) (VERY)
Woofwoof2 (he has no dogs, nor does he list even liking dogs? So, I don’t…..?)
DrinkOrB_Gone5 (If this doesn’t have “I want to meet a fellow alcoholic” written all over it, I don’t know what does)
WittyAvocado7 (I’m going to hold out for the first 6 witty avocados I come across, first)
CleverScrnName (except….it’s not really?)
Chi_Wine_Guy (wait, hey…..we should actually talk….)
So pretty much I’m a jerk. But actually, let’s be honest, if the guy is educated and looks attractive, I still will most likely click on his profile. And, actually, the reason for this entire blog post is not because I want to make fun of other people’s screen names. I’m just stuck on what screen name to choose for myself. So I now have to come up with something equally as awful, so I can get the ball rolling on this.
I’ll be staying in, singing “Somebody to Love” and doing my taxes while you think of something clever.